Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Tangled web we weave...

Deceit is a tricky, rotten thing. There's nothing that I can think of that compares to the feeling of being lied to. It's a one-in-a-million, take your breath away, sucker punch from left field.

As the girls get older, they have both told their share of fibs. And, each time, they have faced consequences of those fibs. I've told them, many times, that I would rather have a daughter who made average grades, looked average, thought average, but who was honest than a daughter who was intelligent, vibrant, beautiful and a liar.

No one can accuse me of trying to act like I'm perfect. I have lied. There have been many times where it felt like the truth was too much to handle, that it was too much to get past, and it seemed easier to lie. Was it? NO WAY. I learned that lesson the hard way quite a few times. Do we sometimes confuse tact with the truth? If you were asked "How does this look?" would you choose to be honest and say so if it looked awful? Or would you want to be "tactful" and tell a "little white lie"?

Lies, deceit... Have all been heavy on my heart lately. With all the mess going on with B, I've become hyper-sensitive about it with the girls. Which, I guess isn't really a bad thing, but it's consuming me. I feel like everyone around me is lying. Anything I hear is second-guessed and overanalyzed... And I'm exhausted.

I've been praying for mercy... For understanding... For forgiveness... And some days I do great with it. Yesterday, B, the girls, & I had a great day/night. I had more fun just hanging out with B last night after the girls went to bed than we've had in over a month. We actually laughed, which in light of all this deceit mess has been rare. Other days... Like today... They suck. All day long I've not been able to shake the feeling that something else is going on behind my back. I feel like the "activities" that were supposed to be over aren't, I have all these questions that I answered (for my own piece of mind/reassurance), but they aren't getting answered. Instead I'm getting grief for asking them. I'm sorry, if someone needed reassurance from me after I screwed up, I'd jump through all KINDS of hoops to try and fix it... So when I am being refused these things, it just sets off the red flag & makes me think that there's something being hidden.

Ohhh more than anything I wish I could pretend nothing bad ever happened. I wish I could take away all the bad stuff from our pasts... But He will bring me through this, and I will be stronger on the other side.

Sorry to get so deep on y'all! It's just been a rough day & I needed to get all that out. It's 80-something and gorgeous outside right now, so I need to release this negativity so the girls and I can get outside and play!!


Fash Boulevard said...

this is beautiful and I couldn't agree more. We learn and grow and become better people from every bad thing that happens. thanks for another amazing post love. if you get a chance swing by to see pictures from the fall/winter preview I attended yesterday in Beverly Hills and see the rings Hollywood's A-listers can't live without. xoxo


Tiffanie said...

Hey Sarah! I'm so sorry you're still dealing with all this pain! It takes time to heal. Maybe, and I so hope I'm not overstepping here, but maybe you could tell him that you understand he's frustrated with how things are at the moment, but that you need time to heal and deal with what has happened, and that while he doesn't feel he has wronged you in any way it doesn't take away the fact that YOU feel You have been wronged. And that you definitely want things to be better between the two of you, and that you have faith that things will work out, but that you really need him to be there for you and be understanding. And just know that this is just a season, and will pass, but that he can't get angry with you for going through the motions, that it's not fair. Maybe you could also say something...that you two are a team and because of that you need him to just be your understanding partner while you work through this and that the two of you will be stronger for it and will be setting a good example for the girls on how to have a healthy relationship when they are older.

I mean, I could be wrong, but maybe it could work. Maybe it's just the both of you are on the defensive so it's not getting either of you anywhere? I dunno, like I said, I hope I'm not overstepping, but I know I did not handle my situation like this well, and neither did my ex. He never allowed me to deal with the pain, which caused me and him both to just become bitter toward each other. Again, I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. Still praying for you guys!!!