And just as a little disclaimer, my thoughts are all over the board today... My writing is all over the place. Oops. Buckle up & bear with me.
Ahem. Well. It's Monday! :D I woke up this morning feeling less than stellar. You know, like when you've got 47,000 things to do but are so overwhelmed you don't know where to start?! Yeah. Like that. I swear, lately most days I just want to crawl in the bed, pull the covers over my head, and pretend that nothing is happening around me. Right now, I'm dealing with homeschooling issues. I truly do love the actual schooling, the curriculum, and the awesomely flexible schedule we have with it. I don't, however, love the constant struggle with the girls, feeling like I want to run away (or disappear, take your pick), and being so annoyed with them by the end of the afternoon that I don't even enjoy our downtime together. I think most women (Mamas especially) can understand the need for personal time... And I don't just mean being able to pee in peace (although that's always nice, too!). I mean actually having time alone where you don't have to be anywhere, are not running errands for someone, and are able to just do whatever the hell you want to do. Now that I'm working part time plus volunteering endlessly at church, I need my days. I need time alone to get stuff done from 830-230. Our house?! Is gross. My laundry is out of control. I want to be able to have fun with my kids instead of harping on schoolwork all day long. Savanah and I in particular have been struggling in the relationship department lately, and it all stems from homeschooling. We are so incredibly different that it's sometimes hard for me to relate to her... And being her teacher has only exacerbated it. She gets mad at me because I don't understand/say the wrong thing, then I get frustrated at her, because I don't know what I did wrong! (Ohhhh please tell me these are not pre-teen hormones rearing their ugly heads this early!)
I am really crappy at admitting when I need help. It's just part of who I am. Stubborn and controlling. I've noticed I have gotten worse about it since the big breakup (Feeling such deep betrayal and dishonesty will bring it on, I guess.).. Coming to terms with the fact that I can't, in fact, "do" this homeschool stuff has had me sick to my stomach all day long. (Isn't it crazy how our emotions manifest themselves into physical ailments?!) My friends are uh-mayzing... But yet I still am freaking out at asking my best friends for help! It feels so silly, but I guess the nerves are so deep-seeded in fear of being disappointed/let down/hurt again that it's just going to be rough for awhile. There's a bit of red tape to get through to get them re-enrolled in regular school, but I'm hoping to have it all finished by next week.
That means that we get to go Back to School shopping! Wheee... I already got online to order Savanah some new shoes and almost had a stroke when I had to go to the "Women's" section to find her size! Shut the front door. She's EIGHT!! lol. They're growing up so dadgum fast. She told me earlier "Hey Mom! Only six more years till I'm in HIGH SCHOOL!!"... She got a little freaked out when I started to cry, lol. I wish on a daily basis that I could squish them back into babies. I'm hoping that this change of schools will be a good thing for us. It may mean less physical time together, but at least we'll be able to make the time together more quality.