Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Mess.


It’s funny, y’all. I am honest to goodness the happiest I have been in YEARS… And yet a little, teeny part of me is sad.

Honesty... Loyalty… Those are really big words for me. Coming from someone with self-proclaimed Daddy abandonment & trust issues, having honest, loyal people in my life is a big deal. I am not one of those people with a whole mess of friends. I usually have one or two really good ones. Having trust issues is part of that. But my good friends? They are family. They are people who I would do anything in the world for, no questions asked, nothing expected in return… And it may sound silly, but investing in more than a few really good ones is more than I can handle. There’s one small problem with my way of doing things, though. When one of those really good friends isn’t honest & loyal back.

I’d be willing to bet that the truth hurts 75% of the time. But being lied to? Oh man. It hurts 100% of the time. To say that trusting someone is hard for me is an understatement. It’s hard. Not many things scare me, but trusting someone (as ridiculous as that may sound) scares me to death. So when I do put 100% trust in someone, it’s there. It’s not “Oh, yeah, I kind of believe you”… It’s “I will believe whatever you say, even if someone else contradicts it. You are my friend, and I trust that you would never lie to me.” … So when I find out that I have been putting my trust into someone who has consistently lied to me for years… It’s devastating. Someone that I talk to every single day, who has seen me ugly cry more times than I’d like to admit, who was always there to tell me things would be okay… That someone didn’t respect me enough to tell me the truth.

When you put it that way- that I wasn’t worth the truth- it infuriates me more than it hurts me. I was so angry when all the lies came out… I wanted to hurt that person as much as they’d hurt me. But despite having plenty of ammo in the Gun of Revenge, I couldn’t do it. Because guess what. I still feel loyal to that person, which confuses me to no end. How can I still feel loyal to them?! I have no idea. And I don’t mean that in a self-righteous way at all. If anything, it makes me feel like I didn’t stand up for myself; like I just gave up. But really though, would revenge make it better? No. It would just make me feel guilty for hurting someone who was so important to me for so long.

This new happiness—I am afraid of messing it up. I don’t want any of my old issues to creep in and infect this awesome new thing. So, in typical “me” fashion, I haven’t talked much about it, and have crammed it deep into the back of my mind. But it’s still there, in my mind… It's been two months now, and I'm almost grieving a loss. Makes me feel ridiculous to miss someone who hurt me so badly. But maybe this, getting it out, will help keep it from making things messy.
 
*Definitely needed to get this out. It may not make much sense to anyone but me, but whatever.*

 

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